Relating to Elizabeth

A while ago I saw Elizabeth: The Golden Age with Greg. We had talked about seeing it long before it was even released. I think we just made it cause I'm sure it will be pulled from theatres any day now.

I found myself relating to Elizabeth. Now of course her and I are nothing alike really. She was a Queen with responsibility resting on her shoulders that most of us could never even imagine. But the one thing I felt I understood was her need to remain alone.

I always feel that people don't actually like me for myself. I guess because I suppose I believe that no one could love the person I am. I don't feel many people even know who I really am.

It's not because I pretend to be someone else. It's that I don't believe people look deep enough to see what is beyond the surface.

Elizabeth stayed single because she believed that she would put her life and kingdom at risk if she trusted someone in that way. I have no such responsibilities, yet somehow, I feel like I understand perfectly why she made that choice.

To marry would mean I would be trusting a man with everything. So far I've seen no reason to trust any of them that much. All that ever happened was that I was used to make them feel good for a time. When it became too ordinary or too every day they quickly extricated themselves from the situation and found someone else. I am always being left for someone else. I'm never good enough on my own.

It's strange because I never considered myself a person who was untrusting, but I guess this proves I am. In some situations I can easily accept things as they come because I can understand that that is the way it has to be. There are some things in life you cannot escape and I understand that. Some things just have to be faced head on.

I have many wonderful, supportive and loyal friends. But I cannot maintain a romantic relationship for more than a few months. I'm sure my friends would say that it isn't all me, or that I pick the wrong men but the truth is I'm still single and I have been for five years and that cannot be blamed on everyone else but me. I hold part, if not most of the responsibility.

Each one of my friends can give me a reason for why this is so. Everyone has an opinion. Everything from "You need to join some clubs or sports" to "You don't have enough self-confidence." Whatever the reason, my lack of relationship status is the one thing in life I cannot get right. I have managed to sort out all the other major things in life but this one thing. It is my biggest failure as a human being.